Ten days

"just cos you're sad again it doesn't make you special at all"

 Eight days after

I hate this stage... I feel so fine in a moment, like healing can begin, and then all of a sudden, I remember something she said, and I just break down and cry again

I dont like my life anymore

 Seven days after

I went to walk for 2 hours today, a lot of irresponsible dog owners with no leash =/, Ill try no to go on sundays anymore

feeling the healing effects of yesterday secret adventure, Ill start making planes for what is to come

I still dont like my life, these live without her... what can I do

 Saturday

No exercise today, I slept like 3 hours, and I was feeling like a zombie, also was specially hungry, so I just took a day out.

 According to the internet and my lax calculations, I'm on a 1600 calorie deficit, which is should be supervised by a doctor, maybe that's why my mood has been so wild... well that and the fact that I had my heart broken and my soul shattered to pieces.

 I went on a little secret adventure today, it was therapeutically positive, a philosophical spiritual human moment, fleeting and fragile... I'm still broken, I'm still incredible sad, but I'm not dead, not today, shoo vultures!

 

 Friday

 

I thought I was doing fine yesterday

 

I was really optimistic today in the morning

 

I was sure I was fine in the evening

 

I have never felt sadder in my life

 

I really dont like my life anymore

 Wednesday

 

I did legs routine with dumbbell, I thought I had strong legs, but now I'm humbled. after that went another hour to walk in the park, I was walking like a newborn calf, my legs were moving on their own, but after a while I managed

 

The old man was not at the park today, but it was super cloudy and specially cold for October, it looked like it could rain, did not tho.

 

I had a goal for today, it looked doable, but I already failed it, oh well, tomorrow try again.

 

I have a bad feeling about something, but its something that needs to be done, so even if the bad feeling is true, I guess is necessary

 

The pain has changed, I stopped crying, but this pain, it feels so cold, so hollow, it feels like I'm dying

I'm destroyed

 Tuesday

 

After Sleeping 0 hours Sunday night, I could sleep 5 hours Monday night. I woke up at 4am, tried to sleep some more, but it was pointless, I got out of bed at 5:50, did some dumbbells workout routine, at 6:50 went to the park to walk again, is dangerous to go much earlier than that.

There was a man, must be around his 70s running all around the park, I could barely work and my ass was already hurting, but the important this is I was not crying. I surprised myself fantasizing about talking to her again, I was gonna reprimand myself, but I just let it be, no point in being so hard on myself, I'm already broken.

When the old man was finishing his run, he started walking to cool down and walked by my side

- Good morning! he said

- Good morning! I replied

- So, broken heart, or doctors orders?

- are those the only options? I asked

- Ive heard also "a new love", but who knows, maybe you have a new one

- how about, "porn addiction recovery"? ever heard that

he looked a little surprised, eyes wide open, and then calmly said

- well, congratulations, any addiction takes some courage to overcome

- nah, its a broken heart, sorry

we laughed, and then he said he hopes to see me everyday.

Now there's a hurricane coming on the way to my city, when I was leaving work, there was a light rain, and a beautiful cloudy grey sky, my first instinct was taking out my phone to take a picture and show her.. but reality bites like a rabid dog, I didn't took any picture, but on the bright side, I didn't cried, maybe later in the night.